EPISODE #185

You're listening to School Leadership Reimagined, episode number 185.

Welcome to the School Leadership Reimagined podcast...

where we rethink what's possible to transform your school. If you're tired of settling for small wins and incremental improvement, then stay tuned to discover powerful and practical strategies for getting every teacher in your school moving towards excellence. Now, here's your host, Robyn Jackson.

Hello there, and welcome back to another episode of School Leadership Reimagined. I'm your host Robyn Jackson, And today we're going to talk about how builders respond to criticism.

So something happened recently, where I was opening my inbox. And I got this angry email from somebody evidently had sent an email out. And she didn't like it. And it was it was an email about our Black Friday deals that we were offering over Black Friday weekend. And she, in a very curse, word laden email told me that, you know, she used to like, the emails that we sent, but now all I did was spam. And that it was blankety blank, embarrassing. And, you know, just it was a very nasty email. And when I read the email, the first thing I did was I looked at it and I was like, Is she serious? Because I mean, to me, I don't understand, like, you could hit unsubscribe, like, why? What was it about the email that I sent? That was so triggering, that somebody felt that they needed to write back at 10 o'clock at night? And, and use profanity that way, so I was really kind of flabbergasted about it, then, you know, we just, we, you know, we just set it aside, right? Because I know that what we were doing on Black Friday was was was good. It was we were offering some amazing deals it was we hadn't done it in several years, we wanted to give people an opportunity to get access at some of our resources. So I you know, I just kind of looked at and and thought, Okay, I mean, wow. And moved on, but it got me thinking it's because I know that you know, I mean, I get emails like that from time to time I get nasty social media posts. I've talked about talk to you about those before. You know, people say snarky, nasty things to me. People who don't know me will do that.

Sometimes people who are in our community will levy a criticism against me that that feels unfair and feels more like an attack. 

And if it's happening to me than I know what's happening to you. I still remember being in you know, the first time that I got cussed out as a teacher I mean, cussed out father angry spit flying from his mouth, cussing me out in the hallway, I remember still how it felt to to be the victim of that kind of vitriol just for doing my job. And when I became an administrator, you get those calls regularly parents who are frustrated about something happening in the school and they call you and they cuss you out. And and you're used to that but

But what happens when it comes from somebody inside your committee? What happens when that criticism comes from your teachers? What happens when you walk into the teachers lounge and you overhear somebody saying something snarky about you what happens when you're in the middle of delivering PD and you see teachers whispering and and eyes rolling? What happens when someone automatically sees you on an email where people are saying snarky things about you? And the work that you're trying to do on your school what happens when you have a teacher in your office yelling and screaming at you that's happened to me you're out a teacher mom was yelled or screamed at me and walked off as a slam my door. How do you respond as a builder and I know what your leadership training has taught you I know that your leadership training has taught you that you need to be you know firm and you need to you know you need to to address it and you know, okay, great, you do all those things, but it doesn't change how you feel inside. It doesn't change the knot that getting your stomach when you have to take that it doesn't change the way that that kind of criticism can absolutely derail your your day, your week, your month. And so what I thought I'd do today is share with you just some practical ways that builder handle criticism.

And I'm not talking about criticism from parents and criticisms from outside your house. 

I'm talking about criticism that's coming from people on your team people inside the house. How do you handle that criticism, like a builder. And before I do that, just want to tell you one announcement, I made the announcement last week in the podcast, I just want to remind you, those of you who are in the BU basic, which is our free version of builder, ship University, I just want to remind you that we are discontinuing bu basic at the end of December. So December 20, we are going to be closing it down. And the reason we're doing that is because we realize that be basic does not represent the experience, you get a builder, builder, ship University. So, you know, build a ship University, it's a mentorship, you get personalized support, you get personalized coaching, you get individual feedback, you are making progress and hitting milestones, you are part of a thriving community where where you are around other builders and people are supporting you, you know, I am personally involved in what's happening in your school. And we don't ever give you a resource and build a ship university without showing you how to immediately implement that resource. And we realized that we were trying to make a lot of our resources available for free, but without the guidance. And so you just inundated with a bunch of resources, and you have a great but what we found is that if if you really if we really want people to take action, then you need a little more support than just having this kind of vault of resources. So we're closing the vault, where bu basic is going away. And we're going to do something different in 2023.

Anytime we're going to continue to still offering free support for administrators. But we want to make sure that that support leads to implementation. And so stay tuned, we've got some really cool things, planning we're planning on working on there. Now I know it's funny, I am trying my best not to spill the beans, but I want to tell you so badly about what we're doing and what we've got planned for you in 2023, that is just going to blow your mind, I just can't write that. And then that the team has told me, Robin do not let it slip. So I am working very hard not to do that. But in the meantime, we're gonna close be basic, because you don't need another, you know, resource vault, we have tons of resources you need to actually implement. And so 2023 is going to be really about making sure that the things that we offer for free better reflect the experience you get inside of builder ship university, because inside of builder, ship University, you're getting an amazingly curated mentorship and and when you become a part of our builders ship, University family, then we take ownership of your of your goals and of your vision, the same way that you do, we are working hard to help you achieve your vision in the next three years.

So when you struggle, we are working hard to help you figure out how to address those struggles and challenges. And not just address them for the time being but to remove them entirely. When when you have victories, we are your biggest cheerleader, we are celebrating with you. And you we really create an experience where you're not alone. And you're not having to figure this out on your own. Once you become a part of the builder ship University family, then you become a part of an experience where we kind of lay the roadmap out for you, here's how you get to achieve your vision for 100% of your students. Here's the roadmap to 100%. And we help you and support you every step of the way. And you get to work at your own pace. You get to you get a curated experience based on your challenges, you create your own success path. And we work with you in on an individual basis to help you get there it's it's that's why we call it a mentorship, not coaching not not a membership. We are truly mentoring you as you work to build a school where 100% of your students can be successful. And so we want to make sure that anything we do for free reflects that same richness of experience that you can build a ship University.

And so that's why we're closing build bu basic, but we are moving to something else. 

In the meantime, if you are not a part of the school leadership reimagined Facebook group, if you're on Facebook, you need to be a part of that Facebook group because that's where we will from time to time post free things. That's where you can stay abreast of what's happening inside of the builder ship University universe to make sure that you don't miss out on anything. And that's also where from time to time, I'll be jumping in and you know, providing support inside of that Facebook group. So we're going to spend our time in the school leadership reimagined Facebook group and then in 2023 We've got some really cool things that we're going to be offering for free, that are more reflective of the kind of experience you get and build as your university. So look out for that. All right, I think that's it for the announcements for now.

Let's talk about this thing about criticism. 

Here's the thing. And I struggle with this, this is, you know, I don't like criticism, my, you know, my world drivers mastery. And so criticism means I'm not doing it right, right. So I want, as soon as I have an idea, I want everybody to embrace it. And the moment I hit criticism, especially from people who are on my own team, it is so devastating, because I just, you know, I feel attacked. And I don't know if you feel this way too, but it feels worse coming from people with whom you work every day people for whom you are laboring every single day. And the thing that I have to remind myself of often is something that someone told me a long time ago, one of my mentors told me that whenever you are doing something big world changing, you are going to face criticism, and the worst criticism is not going to come from outside, it's going to come from the people who are closest to you. And the reason that is is because when you are doing something culture shifting, world changing, like having 100% vision, if threatens the comfort of the people who are involved in your school.

You see, most people feel comfortable with the status quo. The men are always like it. They may even criticize the status quo, but it's comfortable. They know it. And the moment you suggest that 100% of your students can be successful, you are declaring war against the status quo, you are saying that the status quo is not and is no longer acceptable, and you are setting a new bar. And for some people, that is going to be more challenging, because they're comfortable with the status quo, you're taking that away from them, you have now made them uncomfortable with the status quo, you have now called them to something bigger. And as my mother always says, Nobody likes to be changed, but a baby. And so know that when you declare your 100% vision, you immediately make some people uncomfortable, because you have immediately shifted the status quo. And many people's first reaction is to try with all of their might to get back to the status quo. Because frankly, some people would prefer to keep you small than grow themselves. I'll say that, again, some people would prefer to try to keep you small, then allow themselves to grow. And so it when you start growing, when you start expanding your vision for your school, many people's first response is to feel threatened by your expanded vision, and they want to shrink it back down to size to someplace where they are comfortable again, rather than doing the work it takes. And it's scary work, doing the work it takes to grow.

So you will always face criticism. 

So just know that expect that, right? Because you when you threaten the status quo, when you change the game, when you when you when you start building something bigger, then immediately you threatened people who are comfortable where they are. So you got to have a bit of compassion, right? Because one of the things about having a vision is that you see things other people can't see it. So when you first see, you know what, we can do this, we can have success for 100% of our students, when you see that other people can't see it yet. They just look and they don't they just see impossibilities. They look and they see the problems that are immediately in front of them. And they can't see beyond that. That's why as a builder, you go out ahead, you have to leave everybody else and go ahead so you can see what they can't see. And when you come back and say, Hey, here's a new vision. You're saying that from a different vantage point than the people who were fine with the status quo. So you're coming back and it almost sounds like you are talking gibberish.

And the reason that the criticism often is more intense from the people on your team is because they're there every single day. They know the reality better than anybody else. And all they can see is what's right in front of them. They don't have your vantage point. They haven't stepped away from the muck and the mess to be able to see the potential that exists for your school. They can't see it because they're still stuck in the muck in the math. So rather than being Hurt by their criticism, you ought to feel a sense of compassion. You want to feel a sense of, of true love for people, because your vision is threatening their sense of comfort. Because even though it's muck and its mire, it's familiar and so they're comfortable with it. And you got to feel a sense of compassion for them, because they're, they're comfortable in the muck and mire. And there's when they could be experiencing so much more. It's rather than getting angry and frustrated, flood them with compassion, because you can see things they can't. And you know, there's something better out there, but they've given up hope that there's anything better than what they're dealing with right now.

So the first step is, you got to feel a sense of compassion for your people. 

You got to recognize that, that your vision threatens their sense of comfort. And even if their sense of comfort isn't a mess, it's the only mess they know. And that's as far as I can see, they can't think that things can get better than their current mess, and that deserves and is worthy of your compassion. And when people respond from that space, know that they're doing the best they can, because this is all they can see. And even if their response is hurtful, and even if their response is vitriolic, and even if their response, it seems to be out of proportion to your vision, know that it's not about you. It's not they, they're not even thinking about you, you just become the proxy for all of their fears, and all of their their worries and all of their frustrations. It's not about you. It's about the vision. And one of the reasons why we insist that when you create your 100% vision, it has to pass a tingle test, it has to be something about what you are passionate is because you need that passion to knock elate you against the vitriol that you're going to face. When you start challenging people to something better when you start painting a picture that only you can see yet. And your passion helps you paint that picture and make it vivid your passion helps you believe in that picture when everybody else is telling you that that picture is impossible. If you're not passionate about your vision, then those people who would rather make you small than grow themselves, they're going to succeed, they're going to start rubbing away your vision, they're going to start telling you it can't work, they're going to start telling you all the ways that it can't work. And from their perspective, they're white. But remember, you are the builder. And as a visionary builder, you see things other people can't see it. So when they tell you it can't be done. From their perspective, it can't be and you're the one who has to help them see the bigger vision, you're the one that has to say, No, it can't be done with the school we have right now. Let's think about the school we can become where this vision doesn't feel impossible, it just it becomes our reality. That's your job as the builder, part of being a builders, you have to build your people to be able to step into that vision, part of being a builders, you have to be able to build their to build and expand their capacity to see other things, bigger, bigger things, better things. Part of being a builder is that you have to build people's tolerance for the uncomfortable until they can get comfortable in your bigger vision. So know that you're going to face criticism. 

Now, the thing is, for your people, a lot of times attacking you is a lot easier than changing. 

And so you spend all of your time fending off their attacks, and they get to stay the way that they are. So all you have to do is you have to take yourself out of that, right? They're spending their energy attacking you because that feels easier than changing. And so your work has to be to make change feel easier than attacking you. at bat is that that's the secret right there. You have to make change feel easier than attacking the vision. And the way that you do that. And this is something that we teach home builders university is that first you have to have that clarity around your vision and then we show you how to kind of share your vision in a way that actually helps people begin to see it and embrace it. But then you're not done because the next thing you need is then you want to bring everybody together and CO create a mission and get them connected to that why and when you can get them connected to the why behind your vision and and you can connect the why behind your vision to their own personal why then all of a sudden, it's not your vision anymore. It's their vision and so no longer are they attacking you and your vision because they now have him race it is their vision. Don't fend off the attacks, keep the work moving.

That's why as a builder, one of the reasons I love the thing that's so liberating about builder ship versus leadership is leadership, you have to wait until everybody's on board to get started as a builder, you go out ahead, you start building and you invite people into something better. So the more they attack, the more you have to realize this change is still too hard. What can I build to make the change easier, and it's not about making concessions. It's not about negotiating with terrorists, and giving up slices of your vision in order to appease people. It's really about understanding the change process.

So one of the things we teach you in Buildership universities, we teach you the six part change process. And the first thing is you got to get people excited about the vision and we show you how to do that. And then you invite them into the next step. So the six part change process is Invitational, right? We call it the 60s of transformation. It's Invitational at every step in the process, you do work that helps make change easier, so that when you invite them into the next step, it's easier to take the next step with you than it is to resist the change. When you do that, then instead of deflecting attacks, and defending yourself AND and OR appeasing people, and trying to make them happy, by rubbing down your vision, which by the way, never works, because nobody's ever happy, you know that we have a saying, and mindsets we say all the time you give a mouse a cookie, and want a glass of milk, you have to be uncompromising on your vision, I always say that you are stubborn on the vision flexible in the details, right? We will achieve success for 100% of kids how we do that, that's we can negotiate. But we will get to 100%. When you do that you don't get into this, you don't get locked into this either battle with people or this, this this dance where you appease people, but it's never enough and they're never satisfied.

You can be stubborn on the vision but still flexible enough on the details, that you create a space for other people to come in and occupy and own your vision. 

And every step of the way. You're not pushing, you're not pulling, you're inviting, and people are coming along with you on their own. When you start absorbing criticism and absorbing those attacks, you have no energy to do that. So what you have to focus on when you face criticism from your folks, is you have to focus on okay. The reason that they're there they're pushing back is because it's easier to resist than it is to change. How do I make change easy? How do I make change, it's so easy that it's easier to change than to resist. And that's why you're staying ahead. That's why you're not getting stuck back in what everybody else is doing the way leadership teaches you to do as a builder. What do I need to build so that this becomes more appealing than staying stuck where you are? What do I need to create so that this overcomes your objections and helps you want to move forward? That's what you're thinking about as a builder.

Now, there's a personal side to criticism that us I want to address, I mean, that's the external side, that's what everybody else is seeing you keep building you stay stubborn on your vision flexible in the details, you use the 60s or transformation to help move people along step by step, you get them involved and engaged in the mission and the core value so that they take ownership of the of the vision and that helps them that helps overcome all their objections and helps them take steps forward. You have compassion for them that's frontward facing. What do you do about your heart? What do you do about how you feel how exhausting it is every single day to walk into the building? with members of your team attacking you? How do you deal with that? So let's talk about that for a second.

The first thing you want to ask yourself when you are facing criticism is you want to ask yourself, Is it true? The hard question, right? Because a lot of times, especially because of the way people deliver criticism, sometimes I don't care if it's true, I'm mad, or I'm hurt, because of how you said it. But if you can get to the place where you step back and you say the vision above everything else, even my own feelings, then the first question you have to ask yourself is Is there some truth to the criticism there Levy? People tell me sometimes I move too fast and have a hard time with that criticism because once you see the vision, you can't move fast enough when when we're talking about 100% success for kids. And people were like we're moving too fast. And I'm like we only have 25% of our kids successful right now. Oh, these kids only get one first grade year one second grade year we help 1/3 Grader 1/9 grade year. So if we don't move fast, then we've squandered their ninth grade year we squandered their sixth grade year. We have to move fast. So I get criticized for that a lot. But the truth is that a lot of times I do I want to move faster than people are equipped to move.

One of the reasons why and build a ship university and in the builder ship model, the first thing we have to do is we have to get clear about our purpose. But the second thing we have to do is we have to equip our people is because no matter how compelling your purposes, your people can move, only move as fast as their will and skill or allow them. So rather than, you know, pushing and pulling and trying to cajole people and convince people and push people to move faster, what a builder does is we say, Okay, this, we kind of move fast. There is a sense of urgency here. What's stopping us from moving so quickly? And one of the things one of the tools that we use is we use something called the Builders Blueprint. And that tool helps us figure out why aren't we moving faster? What's in our way, what's the big barrier that's keeping us from making more progress towards our goal. And it's not usually never what you think, like, you might think, Oh, it's this right. But it's, when you go through the process, it helps you to really get to the root cause of why you can't move more quickly. And once you understand that root cause then you spend the next 90 days addressing the remove the root cause, removing that barrier entirely, not not dealing with it, not mitigating it, you spend 90 days, removing that barrier. And when you do, you can move faster.

So a lot of times when I get the criticism, you're moving too fast. 

For instance, what I have to stop and think about is, there's some truth to that. And a lot of times I get so caught up in the sense of urgency, this is about the kids, you know, I do that, that I forget that people can only move as fast as their will and skill allows them to say I want to move faster than I need to figure out what's holding them back and their will and their skill and what I need to do to address it. And once I do that, then they move faster. So even in criticism that's been delivered in a nasty and hurtful way. You can also find nuggets of truth. And if you're able to, you know, give yourself a moment, right stuff hurts. So give yourself a moment to feel all the fields. But don't stop with your feelings. After you've done that after you say this hurts. Or I'm angry about this. Ask yourself, is there any truth to it? Because if you find a nugget of truth in the criticism, and you address that, you get better. Your you your your initiative gets stronger, we miss opportunities, because we're so busy responding personally to criticism that we don't find the truth in it. And then if we could find the truth in the criticism, and then do something about it, we get better. You know, some of the most important parts of the work that I do the builder Ship Model, some of the most important parts of that builder ship model came as a response to criticism. It came as a response to people's complaints. Because after I got off of the hurt, and the indignation, and the anger and the frustration, that those those complaints ignited in me, when I got beyond that, and I really sat down and said, Is there any truth to these complaints, I often found a blind spot, some nugget of truth that I wasn't able to see. And then I get I take that truth, and I use that to get better. And not only does it inoculate me to future criticism, but I'm, I'm able to serve people better. So even when people mean criticism, to shrink me or to demoralize me, I can turn it into something that makes me stronger. Because I'm a builder. And as a builder, no matter what people throw at you, you take that material and you use it as material to build. Now, there are times when there is just no truth. There's nothing in the criticism because the criticism isn't legitimate. It's it's really about somebody trying to shrink you somebody's trying to hurt you. Or somebody may be not intentionally trying to hurt you, but they're responding from a hurt place themselves. I wish I could say that I'm always high minded and noble about that. I'm not.

I've heard the phrase hurt people hurt people. And all I can think about is somebody needs to stop right so I don't I don't know that I always have that high minded sense of compassion and you know, the nobility to see beyond that, because sometimes people say things that are hurtful and there's no legitimacy behind it and And it's easy to do one of two things either get really angry and respond in kind, which then drags you down to their level. And the two of you and the other person are now wrestling in the mud and, and fighting and nobody's happy. You know, I listen. There are times when I get trolled online where I just want to write, you know, I, my mind thinks about all I could say this, and that will destroy them. Or I could say that, and then I realized I'm in the same space they are, you know, it baffles me that administrators complain about how nasty teachers are and how nasty parents are. And then I see them behaving online in the same exact manner. I don't understand that, you know, as they're complaining about parents, they're doing it with such bitterness and such vitriol that I'm thinking, you're no different than the parent that you're complaining about. You're no different than the teachers that you're complaining about. Right? So, you know, the temptation is there. And if you're not careful, you can get dragged into the mud, and be come just as nasty as the people who have been nasty to you don't do that. Because you're a builder you can build when you're stuck in in that kind of, in that kind of muck and mire. Right? The other responses that that's dangerous is we can over internalize, and we absorb that criticism, and we start shrinking, right?

We start doing exactly what people want us to do. 

Because your vision is threatening the people. You hit that criticism, and then you start, sometimes even unconsciously, shrinking your vision, shrinking your presence, you don't speak up as much, you, you, you you don't, you don't, you don't continue to do the work, you slow down because everybody says you need to slow down. And you end up shrinking to the point where you've lost your passion for your vision. You've, you're, you've compromised and nobody's happy. And one of the reasons why we don't do vision by committee is because you should not compromise your vision and usually committee's fourth compromise, your vision should be bold, it should not be rubbed down it, it should be scary. That's what a vision is. That's what makes it a vision. And, and so sometimes when we get criticism around that, we start to shrink, I want to encourage you today not to do that either. It may feel safe, it may feel like you're appeasing people, but give a mouse a cookie, and I want a glass of milk. Once people see that, all they need to do is criticize you. And then they don't want to do anything else. All they need to do is is is start complaining and whining. And you your vision will start to shrink to the point where nobody has to be fundamentally different. In order for them to fit inside your vision. They will never change. You've just taught people how to handle you. You just taught people how to get you from doing anything. And believe me, they will wield that against you for the entirety of your career. So you cannot shrink. I know the temptation is there. But it's a lose lose proposition. You lose. Because you shrink and you you let go of your vision and you let other people control you. They lose because they stay stuck where they are, instead of stepping into something bigger and better that they can't even imagine yet.

I know the temptation is there. Maybe I'm moving too fast. Maybe next year, maybe they're not right. They're never going to be ready. Don't you shrink because of criticism. It's going to come expect it and know this. When you shrink. You don't when you don't, they don't win either. When you shrink, you don't appease them. You don't give up this one thing, and then they give you something else. No, you've lost and it's a zero sum game. The moment you shrink, you lose your kids lose your staff loses the reason that they need you is because you bring that vision and you start building that's that's what a builder is. So don't get in the mud and wrestle with them. As much as you may want to. You know, I am a one or upper. That's what my sister always says about me. So the moment people start coming from me, I'm like, You know what, bring it let's go. I will you know, I Buck up, I'm ready to go. But that's that's a lose lose proposition because now I'm focusing on them instead of my vision and they win. Even if I get a zinger back that shuts them up. They've already won because I've taken energy from something really important and I've spent it in crafting the Perfect Zinger to put them in their plays. And the vision is ignored and neglected. And that's what they wanted to begin with. Don't shrink your vision. So the moment you do that the moment you get into this mode of where you are appeasing others, you lose, they lose, your kids lose. So what do you do, then? The answer is going to feel kind of trite, but it's just true.

Don't spend so much time focused on your critics, that you let down the people who need you and are relying on you the most.